Sex and Taxes

DURANGO MOUNTAIN DISPATCH January 15, 2005

Mayor’s wife injured by exploding chocolate penis
by Bryan Wright

Norma Walker, wife of Mayor Reuben Walker, was injured in a bizarre accident today at The Sweet Stuff. Mrs. Walker was in the downtown bakery and candy shop when a chocolate penis, a new line for the shop, exploded in her mouth. Mrs. Walker stated, “I wasn’t expecting the whipped cream to come shooting out like that.” She fell, hitting her elbow and the back of her head on a table. Mrs. Walker was treated at a local hospital and released.

“Staff meeting,” Nita said, dropping the newspaper on a table in the little front lobby of The Sweet Stuff.

Ron looked up from the counter. “Reporters can’t get anything right! It didn’t explode, it ejaculated.”

Nita pulled her hair until it was standing up in little gray tufts.

“Chill, Nita.” Lucinda tipped her chair back on two legs. “I’ve been keeping a record of everything she buys. That bitch can’t do anything to us.”

“What are you talking about? She didn’t do anything to us. We did it to her!” Nita realized she was shouting and took two deep breaths. Her little bakery was warm and full of the people she loved. It smelled like fresh donuts and coffee. The tables were covered with yellow and white checked tablecloths. The ice and gray snow piled up outside the door had no chance. She smoothed down her apron.

Lucinda and Ron exchanged glances. Ron stood up and moved to the coffee pot. “We’ve got a bowtie and two apple fritters left from this morning, and I just made a fresh pot of coffee.”

“I should never have let you two talk me into selling chocolate sex. Nipples of Venus, exploding dicks ... Is someone going to tell me what happened?” Nita took the bowtie.

Ron put a cup of coffee on the table in front of her. “Well, I was just thinking that the dicks are solid chocolate. You know? And how cool it would be if we could, like, let them do their thing.”

Nita bared her teeth at him. “Their thing?”

Ron shot her a nervous glance. “So I thought, put a straw down into the mold. We pour the chocolate and leave a tunnel. You know, an anatomically correct tunnel.” He was talking faster now. “Then we could fill a pastry bag with whipped cream. Take the chocolate dick out of the mold, take out the straw, shove the tip of the pastry bag into the appropriate place. Sort of around where the prostate would be.”

Nita groaned and dropped her head into her hands.

“So then, you know, give the bag a good squeeze. The whipped cream shoots up and out. Mrs. Mayor was in here when I was experimenting. She’s such a good customer, I thought she’d like to try it out. You know, cheer her up a little. She seems kind of down sometimes. I think that’s why she eats so much chocolate.”

Nita started banging her head on the little table.

“I haven’t really worked out all the kinks,” Ron admitted. “I mean, how do we keep the cream fresh? But it looks ultra hot with the dark chocolate.”

“I’m sure it does,” Nita said, teeth clenched.

“Look,” Lucinda said. “This is what happened. Mrs. Mayor has the dick in her mouth. She has half a dozen Eat My Cherry chocolate pussies in her purse. So Ron ejaculates the whipped cream. Some of it lands on her lapel. She tries to scream but her mouth is full of dick. A dollop of whipped cream lands on the floor. She skids, goes flying on her ass, hits her head. Finis.”

Nita popped the last bite of her bowtie into her mouth and then picked up her coffee cup. “Norma was always a flighty piece of work. If anyone would get hurt by a chocolate penis, it would be her.”

Lucinda leaned forward. “So how is the bottom line?”

Nita sipped her coffee. “Better,” she admitted. “The adult candy has helped a lot. Thanks, you two. We still haven’t made up for being snowed in Christmas week, but if we can keep our sales up through Valentine’s Day we can stay in business and pay our taxes.” She looked outside, where icicles hung from the eaves like lethal weapons, ready to fall and pierce the hearts of unlucky customers. “This year seems worse than usual. The weather, I mean. Blizzards, ice storms, I can’t remember it ever being this bad.”

Lucinda grinned at her. “You say that every year. As soon as the candy canes and tinsel come down you start worrying about snow and taxes. You don’t relax until the tulips pop up.”

“Oh, oh, that reminds me. I’ve got a great idea for Valentine’s Day.” Ron stood and collected plates. “I think I know how to make ethnically diverse Nipples of Venus. You know, like all the colors of all the beautiful breasts in the world? So you could, you know, match your lady, or just dabble. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, praline, café au lait ... ”

Nita raised a hand. “Please don’t tell me the details. Just do it. And keep your chocolate dicks from exploding in public, I beg you. Listen. I heard a rumor from a friend downtown. The mayor is mighty embarrassed, and he’s going to try and get me arrested for obscenity.”

Lucinda sputtered in indignation. “She wasn’t even hurt! I only called the ambulance because she was moaning and crying fit to bust. You would have thought she was giving birth.”

“Oh, Norma’s not suing us because she got hurt. This was one of those don’t ask, don’t tell situations. I guess everyone can look the other way about adult candy downtown unless it’s splashed across the front page of the paper. The mayor wants to tie me to a rail and beat me, but they don’t have public whippings in the town square anymore. So he’s going to arrest me for obscenity. I guess that’s the next best thing. He’s a pompous ass, always took himself way too seriously.” She smiled suddenly and picked up the paper. “So she wasn’t expecting that whipped cream to come shooting out? I swear I almost feel for the man.”

“I don’t feel for him,” Ron said. “Poor Norma. Think I can call her, tell her I’m sorry?”

“Sure,” Nita said. “Maybe slip her a few goodies. If I get arrested, Ron, call that pit bull you’re in love with. Get him down here. Denver isn’t that far. And Lucinda, turn on the damn charm for once and get that reporter over here. You’ve been panting after him for years. Now’s your chance.” She looked at their downcast faces, then reached a hand for each. They were such good kids. They worried about her almost as much as she worried about them.

“Look. You two know a lot about sex. But I know a lot about love. Trust me on this. In a crisis, you call people you love and circle the wagons. But whatever you do, keep the shop open. If they won’t let us sell the Eat My Cherries and the chocolate dicks, give them away to the reporters. Call the Nipples of Venus something else. But keep the shop open. If we have to close, we’re sunk.”

DURANGO MOUNTIAN DISPATCH January 20, 2005

Candy shop owner arrested, charged with obscenity
by Bryan Wright

Nita Davis, owner of The Sweet Stuff in downtown Durango, was arrested this morning after undercover police purchased obscene chocolate candy at her shop. The candy was described as being realistic models of male and female genitalia. Mrs. Davis told reporters, “I’m just trying to keep my business going. Taxes are killing me, and small business owners get no help from the city. The Sweet Stuff is a Durango institution. I’ve been here since 1964. This is ridiculous, I’m a grandmother!”

Mayor Reuben Walker, when contacted at City Hall, said, “Durango has always been a hard-working, fun-loving town that celebrates family values. We don’t need smut in our candy shops. Chocolate weenies. That’s not the image we want the rest of the world to have of Durango.”

Norma Walker, wife of the mayor, was injured last week at The Sweet Stuff when a chocolate penis she was eating exploded.

Lucinda looked up and smiled as the reporter from the Dispatch came in to the shop. Oh, man, he was so fine, blue eyes and a face like a barracuda smelling blood. Her stomach fluttered. She felt like she was riding a roller coaster. She leaned across the counter and winked. “I’m going to need to see some ID, Bryan. I don’t want to show you anything you’re too young to see.”

The reporter leaned over until they were nose to nose.

“Lucinda, we were in school together. You know exactly how old I am.”

“Want a cup of coffee, big guy?”

“Can you sit with me? I want to talk to you.”

“Sure. But don’t try and get any secrets out of me.” Lucinda poured him a cup and put a piece of warm apple pie on a plate, then carried both to a table. She sat next to him and leaned forward. “You could tie me up and torture me, I wouldn’t tell.” She ran a slow finger up his arm. “You could tie me up and take a feather to me, I wouldn’t spill the beans. Go ahead, Reporter. Ask your questions.”

Bryan shifted in his seat. “I’m not sure I can think. The blood seems to have rushed out of my head.”

Lucinda slid a chocolate pussy across the table to him and he leaned over, studying it.

“Wow. It’s really realistic, isn’t it? Is that coconut for the little hairs?”

“Yeah. We tried Alfalfa sprouts. They looked more like the real goods, but the coconut tasted better.”

“Who was the model, you?”

“You man enough to find out? I’ll never tell. You could tie me up, take a ... ”

He reached a hand across the little table and covered her mouth.

“What’s that little bump there?”

He dropped his hand, and she shook her head. “Oh, say it ain’t so. Don’t tell me ... ”

“Jesus, Lucinda! I meant, what’s it made of?”

“Lick the chocolate off.”

Bryan picked it up and licked the little nub, uncovering a candied cherry. He grinned down at it. “Oh, yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about.”

“Go ahead. Eat it.”

Bryan shook his head, his tongue moving in lazy little circles over the cherry. “I think I’ll just keep licking it.” His tongue moved slow and deep into the luscious folds of chocolate, stroking up and down, then returning to the cherry for a little extra attention.

Lucinda was mesmerized. Her temperature was several degrees above normal and rising fast. Body parts were swelling, engorging, and sparking like overloaded circuit breakers. His eyes never left hers, and whatever he saw there seemed to please him. He reached for her, moved his chocolaty tongue into her mouth for a long, deep kiss.

“That has been on my list of things to do for a long time,” he said, hands on her face.

“I may have to go change my jeans.”

He laughed at her, eyes dark with desire, then sat back and dug into his apple pie. “Oh, this is awesome. Can I buy an extra piece to take home with me?”

“Sure.”

“So, Lucinda. Why haven’t you slept with me yet?”

She grinned at him, feeling a little like a barracuda herself. “I was just waiting for you to get strong enough.”

“This pie will help me get my strength up, don’t you think?”

She sat back and pulled a piece of paper from her pocket, then slid it across the table. “Who bought what, and how much.”

He unfolded it and read from the list. He reached for the coffee and drained it, then stood up, putting the paper in his pocket. “Deep Throat. You’re my Goddess.”

DURANGO MOUNTAIN DISPATCH February 10, 2005

Civil rights attorney sues city over obscene chocolate
by Bryan Wright

Famed Civil Rights Attorney Ricky Guiterrez was in Durango yesterday to file suit against the city. “This harassment of the owner of The Sweet Stuff is a first amendment violation that cannot and will not be tolerated in America. But what I can’t understand is how Durango, with its history of multiculturalism, could engage in such blatant ethnic discrimination. We all know the real reason for the harassment is that The Sweet Stuff used dark chocolate for their adult candy. If those Nipples of Venus were made out of white chocolate, no one would be trying to throw Nita Davis in jail.

The Sweet Stuff was blessedly empty for the first time in hours. The publicity was good for business. They had sold eighteen dozen donuts and twelve dozen muffins before lunch. Most of the customers looked carefully around to see if they could get a glimpse of an adult chocolate.

Ron looked up and smiled as the lawyer pushed open the door to the shop. Damn, he was good-looking. Ricky was a pain, anyone would agree to that. He walked around in a tornado of impatience and bad temper, shooting his cuffs in Armani, glaring and snarling at anyone who didn’t hop to it fast enough. But that was only work. Love was something different. Ricky had a slow hand. He could take twenty minutes to run that black Fu Manchu up the inside of Ron’s thigh.

The lawyer came straight for him, pulled him through the kitchen door, and pushed him up against the cool tile wall. Ron smiled as Ricky lowered his head and kissed him, sweetly and full of desperate longing. His heart swelled with happiness as the lawyer’s erection pressed impatiently between his legs. Ricky raised his head and put his hands on the tile wall on either side of Ron’s shoulders, pinning him in place. “You missed me.”

Ron wrapped his arms around Ricky’s chest and put his head down on his shoulder. “And you missed me.”

“Yeah, Baby, I did.” He gave Ron a squeeze and let him go, then started prowling around the kitchen, peeking into the ovens. “You’re killing me, man. I hate this one-horse town. Why won’t you move to Denver with me?”

Ron leaned back against the wall and watched him. “Did you take that Valerian I sent you? It’s supposed to calm you down.”

“Yeah, I took it. Smelled like an old gym shoe. So what?”

Ron laughed. “I can see it worked wonders.”

Ricky walked over to him. “I’ll tell you what will calm me down. You. In my bed. You in my mouth. Why are you making me come after you like this? You know you love me.”

Ron opened his arms, and Ricky moved into them, and they held each other tight. “Yeah, I love you. Especially when you get desperate. You’re like an animal, man.”

“I’m desperate,” Ricky admitted. “I’ve missed you bad. If I don’t get inside you soon, something’s going to explode.”

“Hey, that reminds me. You want to see it?”

“See what?” Ricky was moving his hands over his lover’s body.

“My exploding chocolate penis! It’s awesome, Rick. The dark chocolate’s the best. But I don’t have to tell you that, right?” Ron grinned at him. “Very ethnically diverse.” He leaned over and kissed him again. “How can you keep a straight face?”

DURANGO MOUNTAIN DISPATCH February 14, 2005

Criminal charges dropped over obscene chocolate
by Bryan Wright

Mayor Reuben Walker announced today that obscenity charges against The Sweet Stuff’s Nita Davis have been dropped. “This was just a little misunderstanding,” Mayor Walker stated. “City Hall has always been supportive of the small business owner. And Durango has always been about the entrepreneurial spirit that forged the West. Sometimes people just go a little too far! But we don’t hold that against ‘em. Why, Nita and my wife Norma went to high school together! Just goes to show you, Durango is like a family, we’re there for each other.” The mayor had no comment to allegations he purchased some of the candy in question, as had several key members of the Administration. The civil lawsuit filed against the city has been settled out of court.